I've never really
been one to get into comic books or to idolize superheroes, however, in recent
years I found myself developing this strange interest in The Hulk.
I grew up watching the TV show,
and I'm sure my brother(s) may have had action figures or Hulk toys of some
sort too, but I never really thought much beyond thinking the show was really good,
and I watched it as often as I could. But
in the last few years, I found myself extremely angry, suppressing that anger,
and yet wanting to lash out in some really BIG way. I found myself confiding in a childhood
friend on a daily basis, and he provided the best advice I needed at the
time. Just HULK SMASH it!!!
"HULK SMASH!" became my "go
to" motto for quite awhile to get me through the rough stuff. My friend would send me movie clips of The
Hulk and his famous HULK SMASH!!! Those
clips would go on replay throughout the day on those particularly bad days when
I just didn't know how to handle my anger and sadness. I began to envy The Hulk for his ability to SMASH
the source of his anger to pieces. I
wanted so badly to have the ability to just crush those who had hurt me, but I
just honestly didn't have it in me. I
felt too much compassion for those who had hurt me. I felt guilty for being angry. I felt like an awful person for wanting to
lash out. Did the Hulk feel this way
too? Of course he did! He wanted so badly to control his anger. He fought to control his anger. You weren't supposed to let anger control you
and turn you into a monster.
I can relate to
The Hulk on many levels. Bruce Banner
had repressed childhood trauma. He was a
child of an alcoholic. He was withdrawn
and had difficulty making friends. He
suffered a devastating loss of someone with whom he was finally able to have a
close relationship...and it crushed him.
He was ultra sensitive to adrenaline increases. He did everything possible to try to hide his
anger, his emotional damage, his feelings.
As Bruce Banner, he was a brilliant, self-sacrificing, and heroic
person. He was on a constant quest to
find a cure for his condition...his exposure to radiation (and abuse)...the direct
cause for his inner turmoil that would release the beast from within. He was committed to controlling the emotional monster that was not welcomed.
As anyone who has been with me can attest, I
become giddy when I see the likeness of
The Hulk--On screen, in action figure form, in statue form, comic books, toys,
etc. I've even been known to call him my
boyfriend on occasion. He is MY
superhero, because he represents my hidden anger, my suppressed emotions, and
he gets to HULK SMASH them all, and later return to his human form. Those that are close to me know that I am
famous for holding in my anger and emotions and then later exploding (just like
The Hulk). And when I don't, I resort to
my usual passive-aggressive style of dealing with my unwelcomed emotions. I throw out subtle (and not-so-subtle)
messages to nameless targets in hopes that they will "get it" without
my actual confrontation. I despise
confrontation, because just like The Hulk, I react badly physically to
adrenaline increases and become physically sick, dizzy, overly-emotional, and
light-headed from it. I lack
assertiveness because I've never learned the proper way to assert myself
comfortably and confidently without becoming physically sick from my own fear
of being told that I'm not allowed to feel the way I feel.
Just like Bruce
Banner, I'm searching for the cure for my inner turmoil. With the help of a professional counselor, I'm slowly learning how to assert myself
properly when necessary and am building confidence in doing so. I'm seeing the benefits of standing up for myself
and allowing myself to state my worth and importance to those who previously
put me on the bottom shelf, way in the
back. I'm slowly learning that it is and always has
been okay to feel what I feel and have the emotions that I possess. Anger
is okay. Sadness is okay. Fear is okay.
And, expressing those emotions and others is okay too as long as you do
it without harm to yourself or another. So,
as I work on learning balance, I'm hoping my passive-aggressiveness will wane,
and My Hulk and I can learn to express our emotions in an even better, more
smashingly Hulky way.
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