Super power or stupid power?

"Courage is to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart."

(Brene Brown)

"It is not necessary to be strong in every place if in the place you are vulnerable, you are loved."

(Robert Brault)

"Daring greatly means the courage to BE VULNERABLE.  It means to show up and be seen.  To ask for what you need.  To talk about how you're feeling.  To have the hard conversations."

(Brene Brown)

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud

was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." 

(Anias Nin)

                When someone asks me, "What's your superpower?",  I often have to pause and think.  Well...the obvious thing that comes to mind, is that I'm a damned good cook, and I love to share that talent with others.  BAM!  There ya go!  Easy answer!    The more difficult and deeper answer, however,  is something that I struggle to call a "super power" but sometimes is more of the converse, a "stupid power".   But...Ultimately I'm going to go ahead and call my superpower MY VULNERABILITY. 

                Growing up, we moved around a lot--EIGHT times before graduating high school!  And, that also meant attending a total of seven different schools before I graduated.  If that doesn't leave you feeling vulnerable on a regular basis, I'm not sure what will.  Making new friends wasn't easy for me, and still isn't to this day.  I was a very shy, reserved kid that would turn red in the face just introducing myself to my new classroom each time we had to transfer to a new school.  I didn't like getting called on in class, because I hated that awful feeling of being vulnerable.  I just wanted to blend in to the background and not be seen or heard.   But, I also wanted friends.  I wanted to belong just as badly as I wanted to be invisible.   I would often stand along the wall by myself,  swing solo on the swing set, or play quietly alone until some friendly soul would finally approach me and allow me into their world.  I would timidly join my new-found friend(s), and slowly warm up to them and eventually become my comfortable and often giggly self. 

                Most of the time, my friendship circles would be fairly small, usually one or two close friends, but as I got older and we stayed for longer periods at certain locations, my friendship circles became bigger or would include several different smaller circles.  I preferred loyal, genuine friendships over large groups or popularity.  I would often get "wounded" upon discovering that a loyal friendship was something quite opposite of that.  It would bring me home in tears many times, feeling betrayed, pushed aside, or abandoned.    I can remember my sister's advice clearly in my ear, "Just say Fuck it!", "Just don't care what they think. That's what I do."  I tried so hard to follow her advice, but the truth is, I wasn't capable of just "not caring".  I had let myself be vulnerable to them, and they betrayed me!  How can someone just say "Fuck it!", and not care?  I didn't have it in me. 

                So, I guess instead of letting betrayal and abandonment harden me and make me cold and harsh, I continued to be true to myself and continued to (albeit timidly) put myself back out there over and over again.  Did I get hurt and betrayed again?  Yes, of course.  Many times.  But, I also learned to be attentive and intuitive and look within those friendship circles to observe whom I needed to be more careful around.   I still do that to this day, however, I still make mistakes in judgment.  I still trust too easily, or have previously let alcohol remove my filters and thus allowed myself to be vulnerable around those whom have not earned that privilege.   You see...vulnerability can be an amazingly powerful relationship builder, but as Brene Brown states in her audio series The Power Of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connection, and Courage, "You share with the people who earn the right to hear your story."

                I truly believe that you cannot cultivate an environment that promotes problem - solving, creativity,  and innovation if you cannot be vulnerable.  You have to go "all in" and put yourself out there and be seen and heard in order to make a difference.  You have to risk rejection and betrayal sometimes to be authentic.  Not everyone will love you for you.  Not everyone will appreciate you.  Not everyone will be empathetic to you.  Not everyone will be compassionate with you.  But, if you don't make yourself vulnerable...you are hiding your true self.  You are not being genuine or authentic.  How lonely must it feel to hide one's true self away from the world?

                Some of you may read this, shake your head, and think vulnerability is definitely a "stupid power"!   For you it may seem utterly absurd to allow yourself to be opened up to criticism, judged, abandoned, betrayed, gossiped about, and etc.  I'm learning that most who believe this to be a "stupid power" have been shamed into this way of thinking.  They were not able to re-enter the world of vulnerability  because they were shamed into believing they were somehow weak, defective, stupid, or otherwise not adequate when they attempted to be vulnerable with someone. 

                Vulnerability needs to be met with love, empathy, and compassion in order to release past feelings of shame or unworthiness.  I have found that social media is often dangerous ground for people who choose to  be authentically  vulnerable.  Some people will shame and criticize anything and everything that you choose to post.  Others will shower you with love, acceptance, empathy, compassion, and loyalty.  A single profile picture post can make you feel  beautiful or ugly just by a mere one-word comment.   A friend who chooses to unfriend or unfollow you for posting "too much in one day" can make you feel abandoned because you were merely crying out for help that day when you were hurting inside.

                 It's a risk we take each time we choose to be vulnerable.  It's a risk I take each time I choose to share something personal.  It's a risk I take each time I choose to trust a friend.  It's a risk I take each time I share my blog posts.  Will anyone read it?  Will anyone care?  Will anyone comment?  Will anyone take the time to read what I write?  Will rejection define me?  Will I allow what others think, stop me from writing my thoughts down for others to see?  The answer to all of those questions is...Maybe.  But, for today, I'm going to be authentically vulnerable, and put this out for the public to see, because if I can get just one person to respond to another's vulnerability with love, compassion, acceptance, and empathy...it's all worth it to me today.  Thank you for reading.  I really do appreciate it!

Paradox of Love:

     I've seen hundreds of quotes like these, and I have personally been given conflicting advice by friends and family on this subject. It's no wonder we are so confused and live in such turmoil.  "Self sacrifice is the greatest expression of love."... "To capture another's heart, we must first capture our own."... “I finally understood what true love meant-love meant that you care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be.”... "Self Love is the best way to find True Love."... "But love isn't just about feeling good. It's about doing what you don't want to do, over and over again, if it needs to be done, for the sake of someone else. Love is really about self-sacrifice.”... "You have to love yourself because no amount of love from others is sufficient to fill the yearning that your soul requires from you."... and on and on and on.

                What on earth is all of this supposed to mean?  Do we selfishly love ourselves first so that we can be healthy and capable to love others as we have loved ourselves?  Do we sacrifice our own wants and needs to selflessly love others as if we are conducting some heroic, admirable act?  Does it matter who the recipient of our love is that determines which we decide to do?  Is it ever possible to do both at the same time?

        The thing is...I don't really know the answers.  I've seen sacrificial love tear a person down to nothingness and severe emotional distress for the sake of another.  I've seen the act of seeking self-love destroy others, bringing them to their knees with little to no self-worth left.  Who is worthy of our self-sacrificial love--our children, our parents, our spouses, our siblings, our friends, our extended family, our coworkers/peers?  Who gets left behind while we're busy learning to love ourselves first--our children, our parents, our spouses, our siblings, our friends, our extended family, our coworkers/peers?  When you look at it that way, doesn't it all just really seem absurd and simply unobtainable?  This paradox of love twists our minds and wrenches our hearts until we're staring into a pool of tears wondering where we went wrong with our choices. 

        You see...it really just comes down to that.  A choice.  A series of choices.  A decision on where you plant your focus.  And, why do we even have to make that type of decision?  Honestly, it's a reaction to a catalyst. We get here because of our environmental circle of others. We respond to how others treat us, how well we are physically and emotionally cared for, how safe and/or secure we feel, how loved we feel, how our needs are being met or not being met, etc.  I don't believe that we just wake up one day and decide to forsake all others and go on a quest for self-love.  I don't think we just suddenly stop loving ourselves for the sake of others just out of the blue.  We react to an event, a series of events, a lifetime of catalysts to get to this point.  Then we feel compelled to make that decision to either follow the path to self-love or sacrifice ourselves for another.

        Making that decision isn't easy.  There are all of those books, songs, quotes, and professionals to tell you that you're doing it wrong.  There are all of those friends and family members there to tell you that you're doing it wrong.  When that paradox of love comes at you like a semi-truck, you have to untwist your mind, unwrench your heart, and listen to your gut instincts.  All of those nerves in your gut--they hold the key to your core intuition. Don't ignore them.  They are rarely wrong.  So, go with your gut, and may your love path lead you where you're truly meant to be.     

Balance-TILT-Balance

                The thing about finding balance in life, is that you first have to be in an "off-balance" state to begin with. And why is an off-balance state often regarded as such an unfavorable thing?  In order to achieve something great in life, we have to start off at a not-so-great spot, right?  I've never known anyone who has a perfect life and yet still sets goals just for something to do.  We set goals because we want more in life--more quality time, more peace, more success, more sleep, more happiness, more healthfulness, more love, more happiness, more balance, safety, security,  and etc.   

                When I first started out on my quest for emotional healing. I had no idea what I would discover or what I really wanted to fix or act upon.  I just knew I was sinking and needed a proverbial rope to grasp and later use to help pull myself up.  I say "help" pull myself up, because I, in no way could do it on my own at that point, yet I also did not want to allow someone else to take on my burdens for me.  It had to be a partnership.  I needed help, but I also had to do the work.  I had to fight for me.  I'm in no way finished with this discovery/healing process, but I have come pretty far and have learned more than I could ever put a price tag on.  That's higher education, baby, and I'm discovering that I'm worth it!

                Back to finding balance...as I've mentioned in my introductory blog post "Meet my Sensitivity", I'm trying to find balance with my interactions with others.  Working with my counselor has been a great partnership that I am happy to invest in.  As I described the situations that I find difficult to navigate with various friends/family members, she has really helped me to discover the "why" I feel the need to seek out these particular friendships and identify why I play the particular roles in these friendships.  It was eye-opening to find out that I was actually replacing a painful loss of a past particular bond or bonds with newer friendships because I felt left out and abandoned by those I felt were my safety net(s).  Being left out of where you always once belonged eventually sends you out searching to fill a void. 

                I found myself connecting with people who were a lot like me in many ways--people who were needy, lost, and broken.  I could reach out and be a friend to them.  I could help them, and feel needed and wanted again.  I could be important  in their life--worthy of something.  I could be part of their circle--included.  I was trusted, respected, needed, and useful.  I felt happy helping others...until it became evident that I couldn't always help.  I couldn't be the one to "save them" like I wanted so badly to do.  It became consuming.  I found myself frustrated, angry, sad, pushed aside, used, etc.  Why was helping my friends becoming so exhausting?  I felt myself becoming both emotionally and physically drained some days.  It was taking a toll on me, yet, I couldn't give up.  I truly wanted to keep helping them win whatever battle it was they were fighting.  I just needed the right words, the right amount of support, the right "something", and then they could be victorious, and I would be happy for them.  We would both be happy.  That's what we all want, right?  The pursuit of happiness?

                The thing is...not everyone wanted my help.  Or at least not in the form that I was capable of giving or offering.  And then there are those that wanted my help, but weren't willing to do or capable of doing the work on their end to make things change.  My frustrations grew.  What could I do differently to help?  Why wouldn't they listen to me?  I became resentful and more exhausted.  They continued to be miserable, and I continued to be frustrated.  It was like a broken record that just wouldn't stop--EVER.  I needed to walk away...it was consuming me. It was hurting me physically and emotionally.  Remember, I'm important too!  But yet, I couldn't abandon them the way I was abandoned.  I was their rock!  I was their friend.  Through thick and thin, right?  I can't just let go and let them fall.  There has to be something I can do.  I can't let go.  The TILT was becoming severe.  I was completely out of balance.  Why did I need so desperately to save them?  Why me?  Why can't I admit that I can't fix this? People are supposed to be responsible for themselves, right?  My time, my health, my dedication, my love for these friends was invested fully, but it didn't do any good.  It didn't fix anything.  I had failed them.   How could I be a worthy friend now?

                As I give you a glimpse into my tilted world, and tilted thought process,  you can probably see what I was missing.  It wasn't me that was failing.  The only thing I was failing at was personal balance.  I cannot fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed.  I cannot fix someone who doesn't want to do what's required to be fixed.  I cannot fix someone who loves to swim in misery.  I cannot fix someone who is always right.   I cannot fix someone who already knows everything there is to know, yet doesn't.  I cannot fix someone who is STUCK.  I can only do what I can do, and then the rest is no longer up to me.  I can only be the best friend I can be...caring, loving, supportive, helpful, useful, etc, but I cannot give away ME.  You see?  I didn't want to abandon anyone, but I had abandoned ME.

                I'm now asking some new and very important questions with my friendship interactions--questions that will lead me to the balance I seek.

·         Am I assisting or doing?

·         Is assisting this person taking away from my family?

·         Am I centered or internalizing? Am I becoming as upset as him or her?

·         Do I feel dread with this person reaches out?  Do I feel apprehension or obligation with this interaction?

·         Am I exhausted after each contact with this person?

·         Is the level of help I'm offering appropriate for my role with this person?

·         Is this person repeatedly still stuck?  Do they resist or respond angrily at my help?

·         Does their pattern consistently return to their miserable state?

The answers to these questions have been very eye-opening in determining whether certain friendship interactions are in balance or are in full-tilt.  At the point of answering these questions, it now becomes a mindful decision on my part as to whether I continue to invest my time, talent, and treasures into these interactions for my own personal peace.   Peace is what I desire.  And, Peace be with YOU as well.  :)

Lies of Protection...

                It's October now, so it's only fitting that I would have a bone to pick today!  One thing I'm really becoming aware of, not just lately, but over the course of my life, is that people seem to think that just because I'm a highly sensitive person, that I need to be protected from the truth somehow.  People  actually find it perfectly acceptable, or they will completely attempt to rationalize withholding the truth from me or telling an all out lie to me-- just to protect me from having feelings.  Or maybe it's really to protect themselves from having to hear about my feelings?  Hmmmm, which is it? 

                Well, let me set something straight.  Being highly sensitive does NOT make me weak.  It does not make me unable to handle my feelings.  It does not make me act inappropriately when I experience feelings.  I have never assaulted anyone out of anger.  I have never been hospitalized for extreme sadness.  So what?  I feel intensely.  I may feel anger.  I may cry.  I may start a discussion with you about your truth.  I may offer my opinion about it.  What gives anyone the right to take that away from me?  I have the same right to have feelings and to express those feelings as anyone else does.  Please stop trying to decide for me whether I get to experience hurt feelings, feel sadness, worry, anger, discomfort,  or etc.   

                When someone withholds the truth from me or delivers lies to me to "protect my feelings", this is what it's telling me.

·         You perceive me as weak or incapable of handling your truth.
·         You don't trust me to handle your truth in a responsible manner.
·         You don't feel that I'm worthy enough to deserve the truth you serve to others.
·         You don't feel that I'm important enough to receive your truth.
·         You don't value my opinion or my response.
·         Deceitfulness is easier for you than consequences. 
·         You feel power in making decisions on my behalf.
·         You are fearful of opposition. 
·         You are fearful of my emotions or are incapable of handling my expression of those feelings.

                So, in essence, delivering lies or withholding truths "for my protection" only serves to damage my trust and my opinion of my worthiness, thus robbing me of any intended "protection"  at all. 

                Think about all of the highly sensitive individuals in your midst.  Do you serve them lies of protection?  STOP!  Serve them the truth!  Your egoic opinion that they are unable to handle it, is likely wrong.  Give them the respectful opportunity to work through life's real issues for themselves and learn to process life as it really is, not how you would like to spoon feed it to them.

                

My Incredible Love of The Hulk...

    I've never really been one to get into comic books or to idolize superheroes, however, in recent years I found myself developing this strange interest  in The Hulk.   I grew up watching the TV show, and I'm sure my brother(s) may have had action figures or Hulk toys of some sort too, but I never really thought much beyond thinking the show was really good, and I watched it as often as I could.   But in the last few years, I found myself extremely angry, suppressing that anger, and yet wanting to lash out in some really BIG way.  I found myself confiding in a childhood friend on a daily basis, and he provided the best advice I needed at the time.   Just HULK SMASH it!!!

    "HULK SMASH!" became my "go to" motto for quite awhile to get me through the rough stuff.  My friend would send me movie clips of The Hulk and his famous HULK SMASH!!!    Those clips would go on replay throughout the day on those particularly bad days when I just didn't know how to handle my anger and sadness.  I began to envy The Hulk for his ability to SMASH the source of his anger to pieces.  I wanted so badly to have the ability to just crush those who had hurt me, but I just honestly didn't have it in me.  I felt too much compassion for those who had hurt me.  I felt guilty for being angry.  I felt like an awful person for wanting to lash out.  Did the Hulk feel this way too?  Of course he did!  He wanted so badly to control his anger.  He fought to control his anger.  You weren't supposed to let anger control you and turn you into a monster. 

    I can relate to The Hulk on many levels.  Bruce Banner had repressed childhood trauma.  He was a child of an alcoholic.   He was withdrawn and had difficulty making friends.  He suffered a devastating loss of someone with whom he was finally able to have a close relationship...and it crushed him.  He was ultra sensitive to adrenaline increases.  He did everything possible to try to hide his anger, his emotional damage, his feelings.  As Bruce Banner, he was a brilliant, self-sacrificing, and heroic person.  He was on a constant quest to find a cure for his condition...his exposure to radiation (and abuse)...the direct cause for his inner turmoil that would release the beast from within.  He was committed to controlling the emotional  monster that was not welcomed. 

   As anyone who has been with me can attest, I become giddy  when I see the likeness of The Hulk--On screen, in action figure form, in statue form, comic books, toys, etc.  I've even been known to call him my boyfriend on occasion.  He is MY superhero, because he represents my hidden anger, my suppressed emotions, and he gets to HULK SMASH them all, and later return to his human form.  Those that are close to me know that I am famous for holding in my anger and emotions and then later exploding (just like The Hulk).  And when I don't, I resort to my usual passive-aggressive style of dealing with my unwelcomed emotions.  I throw out subtle (and not-so-subtle) messages to nameless targets in hopes that they will "get it" without my actual confrontation.  I despise confrontation, because just like The Hulk, I react badly physically to adrenaline increases and become physically sick, dizzy, overly-emotional, and light-headed from it.  I lack assertiveness because I've never learned the proper way to assert myself comfortably and confidently without becoming physically sick from my own fear of being told that I'm not allowed to feel the way I feel.   

    Just like Bruce Banner, I'm searching for the cure for my inner turmoil.  With the help of a professional counselor,  I'm slowly learning how to assert myself properly when necessary and am building confidence in doing so.  I'm seeing the benefits of standing up for myself and allowing myself to state my worth and importance to those who previously put me on the bottom shelf,  way in the back.   I'm slowly learning that it is and always has been okay to feel what I feel and have the emotions that I possess.   Anger is okay.  Sadness is okay.  Fear is okay.  And, expressing those emotions and others is okay too as long as you do it without harm to yourself or another.  So, as I work on learning balance, I'm hoping my passive-aggressiveness will wane, and My Hulk and I can learn to express our emotions in an even better, more smashingly Hulky way.    

I Quit!

One month ago, I decided to do something good for myself that I've really needed to do for a long time.  I had my last glass of wine, my last beer, my last drink of alcohol for awhile, or maybe for forever.  Who knows?  That part is yet to be determined.  I've been wanting to and needing to quit drinking for awhile now, and have tried unsuccessfully many times.  Life just got really complicated and difficult for me to deal with over the last several years, and instead of dealing with it properly, I chose to numb my life with alcohol.

                 It started innocently enough with a couple of glasses of wine a night to just relax...then 3, then 4, then the whole bottle + more.  After some time the habit was fully in place and my tolerance level was pretty high.  I watched a beautiful woman suffer and eventually  pass from this earth at way too young of an age due to the effects of alcohol and other factors and thought that would be the catalyst to get me to quit.  I tried, and failed.  Why couldn't I stop drinking to honor her?  I was very angry at myself and very disappointed that I let her down and my family down.

                More months went by, and even though things in my life were getting better, and I didn't really "need" the alcohol to numb my life anymore, I still just couldn't stop having that nightly drink that turned into that nightly bottle.  My blood pressure was already high and was just getting higher, and I was finding that blood pressure meds were not even keeping it down enough.  I just physically felt awful most days--headaches, increased anxiety, panic attacks, heartburn, fatigue, and etc...   

                I thought about quitting again at the beginning of summer to start a new healthy lifestyle, but then I convinced myself to wait until after our family trip to Napa Valley in July, well...because it's been a lifelong dream of mine to fully experience Napa Valley.  So, once again, I put it off.  I had a great wine experience in Napa Valley, but again...felt the negative physical effects of drinking so much, so I vowed to quit when I got home from the trip.  Then news came that we would be having our annual family camping trip the first weekend in August followed by my wedding anniversary celebration dinner at a new restaurant with, of course, a great wine list.  So, I brought my box of wine up camping and it was just enough for the 3 days we were there.  Again, I felt physically ill from the mixture of drinking and the altitude....heart racing, heartburn, headaches, etc.  I told myself again, that I just need to quit drinking to feel better.  But the anniversary dinner came, and the wine was great....and a couple more weeks of drinking went by with more excuses and more of just feeling "crummy".

                Finally, on Sunday, August 23rd I just decided that would be my last day of feeling awful, and I decided I wasn't going to drink anymore.  I finished the bottle of wine I had left in the house, and probably the beer too...I don't recall.  It didn't even sound good anymore.  I just simply got tired of feeling so terrible, and this was going to be the best thing for me!  The next day...I felt great!  And Tuesday, I felt fairly good too, but started to feel a bit of anxiety return in the evening.  Wednesday was another good day, but again, evening anxiety returned and I was physically struggling.   I didn't want a drink at all.  It sounded awful, in fact, but I just felt so "not okay inside".  When I tried to sleep that night, (which usually is a very quick, hit the pillow and I'm out kind of thing) I found myself struggling to rest my mind and my body started feeling really weird.  I was dizzy.  I felt shaky.  I felt overheated but yet had goose bumps all over at the same time.  I felt as if my legs were shaking internally underneath my skin.  I felt as if I might be dying.  I was terrified.  I sat up and told my husband that I just wasn't feeling okay.   I didn't want to believe my own fears that I was dying, so I just convinced myself I was having a panic attack, took a valium, and my husband rubbed my head, neck, and back for a long time, and eventually I was calm enough to fall asleep.  The next morning was more anxiety, high blood pressure, and feeling "not okay".  Wasn't I supposed to be feeling GOOD?  I quit drinking, after all.  I should be feeling GOOD!  I started researching causes for all of my symptoms, and BOOM!  It hit me like a wrecking ball....I was having ALCOHOL WITHDRAWALS!  You're kidding, right???  Alcohol withdrawals???  Me???  Shit!  I couldn't believe that I had allowed myself to get to this point where quitting a bad habit would actually cause my body to rebel and scream out in agony at the void of that bad stuff I had been feeding it for so long. 

                I began reading how serious this could be and how long it might last.  I was determined to just push through these awful symptoms for just a few more days, and I'd be just fine.  I had just a couple more Valium pills left from my February car accident and I rationed them taking only in half pill increments over the next few days while I fought through the ugly rebellion.  By Sunday, I finally felt a bit better and was relieved that it was over, only to have it return again that night with a vengeance.  After all...my body was used to having that nightly "fix".  Monday came again with another day of struggle.  How long was this going to last?  Or was something else wrong?  My chest was tightening, and the dizziness and anxiety were consuming me.  I had to see a doctor.  This gave me even more anxiety.  What if I'm actually having a heart attack?  My head was spinning.  Picturing myself telling the doctor about my alcohol problem brought tears to my eyes.  I was now THAT person, but I still HAD to go.  I had to know what was wrong. 

                I signed in at the front desk at the after-hours walk in clinic.  The lady asked me what I was there for, and I told her I quit drinking and was having bad panic attacks.  She said that wasn't something they would see me for unless I made an appointment (because it wasn't considered a severe enough problem), and appointments were already being scheduled weeks out.  I told her I had tightening in my chest and was concerned about my heart...which was true, but also the magic words I knew would be necessary for them to allow me to be seen that night.  I had to wait for 90 minutes with increasing anxiety, chest tightening, and chills.  Was I going to die sitting here waiting?  Was I having a heart attack?

                I finally got called back to a room and was seen by the Physician's Assistant on duty.  She checked me over and agreed that my symptoms were all related to alcohol withdrawal.  I cried while explaining my past alcohol usage to her.  I was filled with shame and embarrassment .  She told me how the brain gets used to having that alcohol and how my brain is now really upset with me for taking that away.  I had disrupted my brain's neurotransmitters with alcohol, and now again by taking it away.  She was glad I came in, as withdrawal symptoms can be really serious.  She gave me some medications that will help me through the withdrawal period and help to manage my anxiety.  Xanax for immediate relief, and Buspar  for longer term relief.  Apparently it can take up to 6 months for the brain to return to a normal state after one stops drinking.  It's pretty scary to realize how badly you can ruin your own body with bad choices.

                Anyway, I'm now 30 days sober, and still experiencing some not so good effects most likely caused at least partially by my drinking (gastric ulcer).  I have no problem being around people who drink, or going to events that have alcohol (so please don't exclude me).  I do notice that my sense of smell of alcoholic drinks is much more heightened now, but I still have zero desire to even take a sip.   It just doesn't even sound good.  This will probably be the only post I make about my decision to quit drinking.  I won't become one to continually announce my days, months, years or whatever it is of sobriety.  I think that's important and really wonderful for those who do track and celebrate that accomplishment.  I just don't really feel that is a need for me in my situation.  I just really felt that I needed to make this one blog post about it to bring awareness to the reality of excessive drinking, how easily it can get out of control, and how difficult but necessary it is to get back to a healthy state of being.  I hope, if anything, I have urged each person who read this to take a close look at their own bad habits, and make a step towards kicking those things to the curb as soon as you are able to.  And, please...proactively involve your  healthcare provider with your decisions to make healthy lifestyle changes as to avoid some of the ugly things I had to go through before engaging assistance. 

PS:   I'm proud to announce that my blood work came back yesterday with only a slightly elevated bilirubin count, but was significantly lower than my elevated bilirubin count from a year ago, so my liver is getting happy again.  :)

Be well!  

Meet my Sensitivity

     As some of my friends, family, and social media "friends/followers" have seen, yesterday I once again let the world "get to me",  hurt me, and anger me.  If you haven't already noticed, I have been identified as a truly "highly sensitive person".   This means that I am more sensitive than most  to lighting, certain sounds, smells, colors, crowds, feelings, tastes, tiny little details, surroundings, experiences, and more.  I also am someone who gets easily affected by others' moods, struggles, triumphs, and the like.

      I also notice subtleties around me easily such as a lone tree in a field, a unique flower or plant in the outdoors, an uncommonly shaped or colored rock, a particular cloud, a slightly different mushroom, a beautifully plated meal, an enchanting tune, a spark of happiness,  an awkward smile, a dissatisfied look, a deceitful glance, etc. I think you get the idea.  And I'm certainly not saying that I'm unique here because I notice these things. I'm sure many of us do.  What I'm trying to convey is that I not only notice these things, but I FEEL them all very deeply.  They move me in ways that many that are not like me don't and won't ever understand.  For example, when I see a llama or an alpaca in a field....it's not just a cute (or as some think, ugly) llama or an alpaca in a field...it is PURE JOY in my heart.  I actually feel ELATION at seeing that beautiful animal with the silly face.  It fills my entire being with great warmth and bright energy.   When I see that wild sunflower on the side of the road growing wild and unruly, I don't just see it--I feel bright love and happiness from its ability to be a beauty producing "weed" of sorts that was somehow able to overcome its harsh environment.

     All of that being said, the other side of that coin is that I also deeply feel life's pain, sadness, and anger to a heightened degree.  I take things much more personally than I should.  I own my feelings as well as other people's feelings.  I absorb them.  I love intensely.    When I say I will pray for you or your loved ones, I stop what I'm doing,  I pray, and then I worry.   When I pray to God, I truly FEEL God listening to me.  I feel important to Him and worthy enough for Him to listen to what is on my heart.  And, when someone tells me or the world that my belief in God is silly, absurd, stupid, ridiculous, or something similar, I get VERY hurt.  I have never told a non-believer or a believer in another form of religion or spirituality that they are wrong, silly, stupid, or anything even close to that.  I believe that we all have our faith, belief, spirituality basis from our own experiences, teachings, and our own life and  inner spirit.  I have zero desire to ever hurt anyone by telling them that their belief is somehow stupid or wrong, and I hurt deeply when others don't practice this common courtesy as well. 

     I also consider myself to be very conscientious and observant.  I notice when something isn't right with someone.  I don't always know the right thing to do to help others, but I notice, and I try everything in my sphere of knowledge to try to make that other person feel more comfort, and look for solutions that may help them.  I admit that many times I don't know or possess the right words or solutions (and often mistakenly think I do), but my heart becomes fully engaged in helping to find comfort for the other person's struggles.  I'll admit that my motives have been questioned many times for doing this, and I have let that deeply hurt me as well, as my only motive was to be helpful and caring.  I have no desire to gain anything from my assistance other than the satisfaction of knowing that I was able to be there for them in their time of need and to be joyful with them when they are able to overcome their obstacles.  I reach out when I sense that someone is hurting or in need while others have told me I should just leave them be to solve their issue on their own.  I invest my time, my energy, my talents, my ability to listen into other people's worlds because I truly care about them and the outcome of their struggles.  I'm not "looking for drama" as some would accuse.  I detest needless drama and those who create it.  I'm a problem solver, a fixer, a helper, and an empath.   I take it personally when others refuse my help, push me away, or accuse me of having ulterior motives.  My intentions are pure.  I just want to help.

     Conversely, I'm not always engaged in the role of the "helper".  Sometimes, I need help too.  I hate feeling needy, and I really don't like to admit when I'm weak or hurt or angry, so when I do, I am ever so grateful to those that will truly listen, care, and offer empathy or solutions to me in my time of need.  I hurt and anger easily when I trust people with my heartfelt feelings, and that trust is betrayed.  I see the glances thrown around in my presence telling me the story that my feelings I just shared are somehow "not valid", and it deflates my spirit.  I hear the gossip come back to me from others that my confidence was breached, or that my life choices are now the subject of conversation and criticism outside of my presence.  I hear the fat shaming and rude remarks about my weight, and how I should just put the damned French fry down.  I hear the "over-talking" while I'm sharing my issues, telling me that my words were not heard or were not nearly as important as yours.  I hear the "But, what about me" immediately after I shared my inner most thoughts, feelings, and needs with you, and realize that once again...I have no voice and no right to my damned overly-sensitive feelings in your eyes.     

     At the urging of someone very close to me who is clearly unhappy with this part of me, I sought answers and solutions from my counselor to help me find better balance with this behavior or trait that I possess.  I'm currently in the beginning stages of learning first about the "why" I am the way I am. (Very eye-opening, so far!)  Later will come the analysis and work of determining what parts of my interactions I am needing to and able to modify in order to bring my overwhelming  sensitivity into a healthier balance. 

     So, for now, I'm just simply revealing my Who, What, When, Why, Where, and How of my journey to those who are interested.  And, to those who aren't interested...for now, please just don't tell me, because my feelings will likely get hurt.  ;)