Balance-TILT-Balance

                The thing about finding balance in life, is that you first have to be in an "off-balance" state to begin with. And why is an off-balance state often regarded as such an unfavorable thing?  In order to achieve something great in life, we have to start off at a not-so-great spot, right?  I've never known anyone who has a perfect life and yet still sets goals just for something to do.  We set goals because we want more in life--more quality time, more peace, more success, more sleep, more happiness, more healthfulness, more love, more happiness, more balance, safety, security,  and etc.   

                When I first started out on my quest for emotional healing. I had no idea what I would discover or what I really wanted to fix or act upon.  I just knew I was sinking and needed a proverbial rope to grasp and later use to help pull myself up.  I say "help" pull myself up, because I, in no way could do it on my own at that point, yet I also did not want to allow someone else to take on my burdens for me.  It had to be a partnership.  I needed help, but I also had to do the work.  I had to fight for me.  I'm in no way finished with this discovery/healing process, but I have come pretty far and have learned more than I could ever put a price tag on.  That's higher education, baby, and I'm discovering that I'm worth it!

                Back to finding balance...as I've mentioned in my introductory blog post "Meet my Sensitivity", I'm trying to find balance with my interactions with others.  Working with my counselor has been a great partnership that I am happy to invest in.  As I described the situations that I find difficult to navigate with various friends/family members, she has really helped me to discover the "why" I feel the need to seek out these particular friendships and identify why I play the particular roles in these friendships.  It was eye-opening to find out that I was actually replacing a painful loss of a past particular bond or bonds with newer friendships because I felt left out and abandoned by those I felt were my safety net(s).  Being left out of where you always once belonged eventually sends you out searching to fill a void. 

                I found myself connecting with people who were a lot like me in many ways--people who were needy, lost, and broken.  I could reach out and be a friend to them.  I could help them, and feel needed and wanted again.  I could be important  in their life--worthy of something.  I could be part of their circle--included.  I was trusted, respected, needed, and useful.  I felt happy helping others...until it became evident that I couldn't always help.  I couldn't be the one to "save them" like I wanted so badly to do.  It became consuming.  I found myself frustrated, angry, sad, pushed aside, used, etc.  Why was helping my friends becoming so exhausting?  I felt myself becoming both emotionally and physically drained some days.  It was taking a toll on me, yet, I couldn't give up.  I truly wanted to keep helping them win whatever battle it was they were fighting.  I just needed the right words, the right amount of support, the right "something", and then they could be victorious, and I would be happy for them.  We would both be happy.  That's what we all want, right?  The pursuit of happiness?

                The thing is...not everyone wanted my help.  Or at least not in the form that I was capable of giving or offering.  And then there are those that wanted my help, but weren't willing to do or capable of doing the work on their end to make things change.  My frustrations grew.  What could I do differently to help?  Why wouldn't they listen to me?  I became resentful and more exhausted.  They continued to be miserable, and I continued to be frustrated.  It was like a broken record that just wouldn't stop--EVER.  I needed to walk away...it was consuming me. It was hurting me physically and emotionally.  Remember, I'm important too!  But yet, I couldn't abandon them the way I was abandoned.  I was their rock!  I was their friend.  Through thick and thin, right?  I can't just let go and let them fall.  There has to be something I can do.  I can't let go.  The TILT was becoming severe.  I was completely out of balance.  Why did I need so desperately to save them?  Why me?  Why can't I admit that I can't fix this? People are supposed to be responsible for themselves, right?  My time, my health, my dedication, my love for these friends was invested fully, but it didn't do any good.  It didn't fix anything.  I had failed them.   How could I be a worthy friend now?

                As I give you a glimpse into my tilted world, and tilted thought process,  you can probably see what I was missing.  It wasn't me that was failing.  The only thing I was failing at was personal balance.  I cannot fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed.  I cannot fix someone who doesn't want to do what's required to be fixed.  I cannot fix someone who loves to swim in misery.  I cannot fix someone who is always right.   I cannot fix someone who already knows everything there is to know, yet doesn't.  I cannot fix someone who is STUCK.  I can only do what I can do, and then the rest is no longer up to me.  I can only be the best friend I can be...caring, loving, supportive, helpful, useful, etc, but I cannot give away ME.  You see?  I didn't want to abandon anyone, but I had abandoned ME.

                I'm now asking some new and very important questions with my friendship interactions--questions that will lead me to the balance I seek.

·         Am I assisting or doing?

·         Is assisting this person taking away from my family?

·         Am I centered or internalizing? Am I becoming as upset as him or her?

·         Do I feel dread with this person reaches out?  Do I feel apprehension or obligation with this interaction?

·         Am I exhausted after each contact with this person?

·         Is the level of help I'm offering appropriate for my role with this person?

·         Is this person repeatedly still stuck?  Do they resist or respond angrily at my help?

·         Does their pattern consistently return to their miserable state?

The answers to these questions have been very eye-opening in determining whether certain friendship interactions are in balance or are in full-tilt.  At the point of answering these questions, it now becomes a mindful decision on my part as to whether I continue to invest my time, talent, and treasures into these interactions for my own personal peace.   Peace is what I desire.  And, Peace be with YOU as well.  :)