Super power or stupid power?

"Courage is to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart."

(Brene Brown)

"It is not necessary to be strong in every place if in the place you are vulnerable, you are loved."

(Robert Brault)

"Daring greatly means the courage to BE VULNERABLE.  It means to show up and be seen.  To ask for what you need.  To talk about how you're feeling.  To have the hard conversations."

(Brene Brown)

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud

was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." 

(Anias Nin)

                When someone asks me, "What's your superpower?",  I often have to pause and think.  Well...the obvious thing that comes to mind, is that I'm a damned good cook, and I love to share that talent with others.  BAM!  There ya go!  Easy answer!    The more difficult and deeper answer, however,  is something that I struggle to call a "super power" but sometimes is more of the converse, a "stupid power".   But...Ultimately I'm going to go ahead and call my superpower MY VULNERABILITY. 

                Growing up, we moved around a lot--EIGHT times before graduating high school!  And, that also meant attending a total of seven different schools before I graduated.  If that doesn't leave you feeling vulnerable on a regular basis, I'm not sure what will.  Making new friends wasn't easy for me, and still isn't to this day.  I was a very shy, reserved kid that would turn red in the face just introducing myself to my new classroom each time we had to transfer to a new school.  I didn't like getting called on in class, because I hated that awful feeling of being vulnerable.  I just wanted to blend in to the background and not be seen or heard.   But, I also wanted friends.  I wanted to belong just as badly as I wanted to be invisible.   I would often stand along the wall by myself,  swing solo on the swing set, or play quietly alone until some friendly soul would finally approach me and allow me into their world.  I would timidly join my new-found friend(s), and slowly warm up to them and eventually become my comfortable and often giggly self. 

                Most of the time, my friendship circles would be fairly small, usually one or two close friends, but as I got older and we stayed for longer periods at certain locations, my friendship circles became bigger or would include several different smaller circles.  I preferred loyal, genuine friendships over large groups or popularity.  I would often get "wounded" upon discovering that a loyal friendship was something quite opposite of that.  It would bring me home in tears many times, feeling betrayed, pushed aside, or abandoned.    I can remember my sister's advice clearly in my ear, "Just say Fuck it!", "Just don't care what they think. That's what I do."  I tried so hard to follow her advice, but the truth is, I wasn't capable of just "not caring".  I had let myself be vulnerable to them, and they betrayed me!  How can someone just say "Fuck it!", and not care?  I didn't have it in me. 

                So, I guess instead of letting betrayal and abandonment harden me and make me cold and harsh, I continued to be true to myself and continued to (albeit timidly) put myself back out there over and over again.  Did I get hurt and betrayed again?  Yes, of course.  Many times.  But, I also learned to be attentive and intuitive and look within those friendship circles to observe whom I needed to be more careful around.   I still do that to this day, however, I still make mistakes in judgment.  I still trust too easily, or have previously let alcohol remove my filters and thus allowed myself to be vulnerable around those whom have not earned that privilege.   You see...vulnerability can be an amazingly powerful relationship builder, but as Brene Brown states in her audio series The Power Of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connection, and Courage, "You share with the people who earn the right to hear your story."

                I truly believe that you cannot cultivate an environment that promotes problem - solving, creativity,  and innovation if you cannot be vulnerable.  You have to go "all in" and put yourself out there and be seen and heard in order to make a difference.  You have to risk rejection and betrayal sometimes to be authentic.  Not everyone will love you for you.  Not everyone will appreciate you.  Not everyone will be empathetic to you.  Not everyone will be compassionate with you.  But, if you don't make yourself vulnerable...you are hiding your true self.  You are not being genuine or authentic.  How lonely must it feel to hide one's true self away from the world?

                Some of you may read this, shake your head, and think vulnerability is definitely a "stupid power"!   For you it may seem utterly absurd to allow yourself to be opened up to criticism, judged, abandoned, betrayed, gossiped about, and etc.  I'm learning that most who believe this to be a "stupid power" have been shamed into this way of thinking.  They were not able to re-enter the world of vulnerability  because they were shamed into believing they were somehow weak, defective, stupid, or otherwise not adequate when they attempted to be vulnerable with someone. 

                Vulnerability needs to be met with love, empathy, and compassion in order to release past feelings of shame or unworthiness.  I have found that social media is often dangerous ground for people who choose to  be authentically  vulnerable.  Some people will shame and criticize anything and everything that you choose to post.  Others will shower you with love, acceptance, empathy, compassion, and loyalty.  A single profile picture post can make you feel  beautiful or ugly just by a mere one-word comment.   A friend who chooses to unfriend or unfollow you for posting "too much in one day" can make you feel abandoned because you were merely crying out for help that day when you were hurting inside.

                 It's a risk we take each time we choose to be vulnerable.  It's a risk I take each time I choose to share something personal.  It's a risk I take each time I choose to trust a friend.  It's a risk I take each time I share my blog posts.  Will anyone read it?  Will anyone care?  Will anyone comment?  Will anyone take the time to read what I write?  Will rejection define me?  Will I allow what others think, stop me from writing my thoughts down for others to see?  The answer to all of those questions is...Maybe.  But, for today, I'm going to be authentically vulnerable, and put this out for the public to see, because if I can get just one person to respond to another's vulnerability with love, compassion, acceptance, and empathy...it's all worth it to me today.  Thank you for reading.  I really do appreciate it!

Paradox of Love:

     I've seen hundreds of quotes like these, and I have personally been given conflicting advice by friends and family on this subject. It's no wonder we are so confused and live in such turmoil.  "Self sacrifice is the greatest expression of love."... "To capture another's heart, we must first capture our own."... “I finally understood what true love meant-love meant that you care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be.”... "Self Love is the best way to find True Love."... "But love isn't just about feeling good. It's about doing what you don't want to do, over and over again, if it needs to be done, for the sake of someone else. Love is really about self-sacrifice.”... "You have to love yourself because no amount of love from others is sufficient to fill the yearning that your soul requires from you."... and on and on and on.

                What on earth is all of this supposed to mean?  Do we selfishly love ourselves first so that we can be healthy and capable to love others as we have loved ourselves?  Do we sacrifice our own wants and needs to selflessly love others as if we are conducting some heroic, admirable act?  Does it matter who the recipient of our love is that determines which we decide to do?  Is it ever possible to do both at the same time?

        The thing is...I don't really know the answers.  I've seen sacrificial love tear a person down to nothingness and severe emotional distress for the sake of another.  I've seen the act of seeking self-love destroy others, bringing them to their knees with little to no self-worth left.  Who is worthy of our self-sacrificial love--our children, our parents, our spouses, our siblings, our friends, our extended family, our coworkers/peers?  Who gets left behind while we're busy learning to love ourselves first--our children, our parents, our spouses, our siblings, our friends, our extended family, our coworkers/peers?  When you look at it that way, doesn't it all just really seem absurd and simply unobtainable?  This paradox of love twists our minds and wrenches our hearts until we're staring into a pool of tears wondering where we went wrong with our choices. 

        You see...it really just comes down to that.  A choice.  A series of choices.  A decision on where you plant your focus.  And, why do we even have to make that type of decision?  Honestly, it's a reaction to a catalyst. We get here because of our environmental circle of others. We respond to how others treat us, how well we are physically and emotionally cared for, how safe and/or secure we feel, how loved we feel, how our needs are being met or not being met, etc.  I don't believe that we just wake up one day and decide to forsake all others and go on a quest for self-love.  I don't think we just suddenly stop loving ourselves for the sake of others just out of the blue.  We react to an event, a series of events, a lifetime of catalysts to get to this point.  Then we feel compelled to make that decision to either follow the path to self-love or sacrifice ourselves for another.

        Making that decision isn't easy.  There are all of those books, songs, quotes, and professionals to tell you that you're doing it wrong.  There are all of those friends and family members there to tell you that you're doing it wrong.  When that paradox of love comes at you like a semi-truck, you have to untwist your mind, unwrench your heart, and listen to your gut instincts.  All of those nerves in your gut--they hold the key to your core intuition. Don't ignore them.  They are rarely wrong.  So, go with your gut, and may your love path lead you where you're truly meant to be.     

Balance-TILT-Balance

                The thing about finding balance in life, is that you first have to be in an "off-balance" state to begin with. And why is an off-balance state often regarded as such an unfavorable thing?  In order to achieve something great in life, we have to start off at a not-so-great spot, right?  I've never known anyone who has a perfect life and yet still sets goals just for something to do.  We set goals because we want more in life--more quality time, more peace, more success, more sleep, more happiness, more healthfulness, more love, more happiness, more balance, safety, security,  and etc.   

                When I first started out on my quest for emotional healing. I had no idea what I would discover or what I really wanted to fix or act upon.  I just knew I was sinking and needed a proverbial rope to grasp and later use to help pull myself up.  I say "help" pull myself up, because I, in no way could do it on my own at that point, yet I also did not want to allow someone else to take on my burdens for me.  It had to be a partnership.  I needed help, but I also had to do the work.  I had to fight for me.  I'm in no way finished with this discovery/healing process, but I have come pretty far and have learned more than I could ever put a price tag on.  That's higher education, baby, and I'm discovering that I'm worth it!

                Back to finding balance...as I've mentioned in my introductory blog post "Meet my Sensitivity", I'm trying to find balance with my interactions with others.  Working with my counselor has been a great partnership that I am happy to invest in.  As I described the situations that I find difficult to navigate with various friends/family members, she has really helped me to discover the "why" I feel the need to seek out these particular friendships and identify why I play the particular roles in these friendships.  It was eye-opening to find out that I was actually replacing a painful loss of a past particular bond or bonds with newer friendships because I felt left out and abandoned by those I felt were my safety net(s).  Being left out of where you always once belonged eventually sends you out searching to fill a void. 

                I found myself connecting with people who were a lot like me in many ways--people who were needy, lost, and broken.  I could reach out and be a friend to them.  I could help them, and feel needed and wanted again.  I could be important  in their life--worthy of something.  I could be part of their circle--included.  I was trusted, respected, needed, and useful.  I felt happy helping others...until it became evident that I couldn't always help.  I couldn't be the one to "save them" like I wanted so badly to do.  It became consuming.  I found myself frustrated, angry, sad, pushed aside, used, etc.  Why was helping my friends becoming so exhausting?  I felt myself becoming both emotionally and physically drained some days.  It was taking a toll on me, yet, I couldn't give up.  I truly wanted to keep helping them win whatever battle it was they were fighting.  I just needed the right words, the right amount of support, the right "something", and then they could be victorious, and I would be happy for them.  We would both be happy.  That's what we all want, right?  The pursuit of happiness?

                The thing is...not everyone wanted my help.  Or at least not in the form that I was capable of giving or offering.  And then there are those that wanted my help, but weren't willing to do or capable of doing the work on their end to make things change.  My frustrations grew.  What could I do differently to help?  Why wouldn't they listen to me?  I became resentful and more exhausted.  They continued to be miserable, and I continued to be frustrated.  It was like a broken record that just wouldn't stop--EVER.  I needed to walk away...it was consuming me. It was hurting me physically and emotionally.  Remember, I'm important too!  But yet, I couldn't abandon them the way I was abandoned.  I was their rock!  I was their friend.  Through thick and thin, right?  I can't just let go and let them fall.  There has to be something I can do.  I can't let go.  The TILT was becoming severe.  I was completely out of balance.  Why did I need so desperately to save them?  Why me?  Why can't I admit that I can't fix this? People are supposed to be responsible for themselves, right?  My time, my health, my dedication, my love for these friends was invested fully, but it didn't do any good.  It didn't fix anything.  I had failed them.   How could I be a worthy friend now?

                As I give you a glimpse into my tilted world, and tilted thought process,  you can probably see what I was missing.  It wasn't me that was failing.  The only thing I was failing at was personal balance.  I cannot fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed.  I cannot fix someone who doesn't want to do what's required to be fixed.  I cannot fix someone who loves to swim in misery.  I cannot fix someone who is always right.   I cannot fix someone who already knows everything there is to know, yet doesn't.  I cannot fix someone who is STUCK.  I can only do what I can do, and then the rest is no longer up to me.  I can only be the best friend I can be...caring, loving, supportive, helpful, useful, etc, but I cannot give away ME.  You see?  I didn't want to abandon anyone, but I had abandoned ME.

                I'm now asking some new and very important questions with my friendship interactions--questions that will lead me to the balance I seek.

·         Am I assisting or doing?

·         Is assisting this person taking away from my family?

·         Am I centered or internalizing? Am I becoming as upset as him or her?

·         Do I feel dread with this person reaches out?  Do I feel apprehension or obligation with this interaction?

·         Am I exhausted after each contact with this person?

·         Is the level of help I'm offering appropriate for my role with this person?

·         Is this person repeatedly still stuck?  Do they resist or respond angrily at my help?

·         Does their pattern consistently return to their miserable state?

The answers to these questions have been very eye-opening in determining whether certain friendship interactions are in balance or are in full-tilt.  At the point of answering these questions, it now becomes a mindful decision on my part as to whether I continue to invest my time, talent, and treasures into these interactions for my own personal peace.   Peace is what I desire.  And, Peace be with YOU as well.  :)

Lies of Protection...

                It's October now, so it's only fitting that I would have a bone to pick today!  One thing I'm really becoming aware of, not just lately, but over the course of my life, is that people seem to think that just because I'm a highly sensitive person, that I need to be protected from the truth somehow.  People  actually find it perfectly acceptable, or they will completely attempt to rationalize withholding the truth from me or telling an all out lie to me-- just to protect me from having feelings.  Or maybe it's really to protect themselves from having to hear about my feelings?  Hmmmm, which is it? 

                Well, let me set something straight.  Being highly sensitive does NOT make me weak.  It does not make me unable to handle my feelings.  It does not make me act inappropriately when I experience feelings.  I have never assaulted anyone out of anger.  I have never been hospitalized for extreme sadness.  So what?  I feel intensely.  I may feel anger.  I may cry.  I may start a discussion with you about your truth.  I may offer my opinion about it.  What gives anyone the right to take that away from me?  I have the same right to have feelings and to express those feelings as anyone else does.  Please stop trying to decide for me whether I get to experience hurt feelings, feel sadness, worry, anger, discomfort,  or etc.   

                When someone withholds the truth from me or delivers lies to me to "protect my feelings", this is what it's telling me.

·         You perceive me as weak or incapable of handling your truth.
·         You don't trust me to handle your truth in a responsible manner.
·         You don't feel that I'm worthy enough to deserve the truth you serve to others.
·         You don't feel that I'm important enough to receive your truth.
·         You don't value my opinion or my response.
·         Deceitfulness is easier for you than consequences. 
·         You feel power in making decisions on my behalf.
·         You are fearful of opposition. 
·         You are fearful of my emotions or are incapable of handling my expression of those feelings.

                So, in essence, delivering lies or withholding truths "for my protection" only serves to damage my trust and my opinion of my worthiness, thus robbing me of any intended "protection"  at all. 

                Think about all of the highly sensitive individuals in your midst.  Do you serve them lies of protection?  STOP!  Serve them the truth!  Your egoic opinion that they are unable to handle it, is likely wrong.  Give them the respectful opportunity to work through life's real issues for themselves and learn to process life as it really is, not how you would like to spoon feed it to them.