I Quit!

One month ago, I decided to do something good for myself that I've really needed to do for a long time.  I had my last glass of wine, my last beer, my last drink of alcohol for awhile, or maybe for forever.  Who knows?  That part is yet to be determined.  I've been wanting to and needing to quit drinking for awhile now, and have tried unsuccessfully many times.  Life just got really complicated and difficult for me to deal with over the last several years, and instead of dealing with it properly, I chose to numb my life with alcohol.

                 It started innocently enough with a couple of glasses of wine a night to just relax...then 3, then 4, then the whole bottle + more.  After some time the habit was fully in place and my tolerance level was pretty high.  I watched a beautiful woman suffer and eventually  pass from this earth at way too young of an age due to the effects of alcohol and other factors and thought that would be the catalyst to get me to quit.  I tried, and failed.  Why couldn't I stop drinking to honor her?  I was very angry at myself and very disappointed that I let her down and my family down.

                More months went by, and even though things in my life were getting better, and I didn't really "need" the alcohol to numb my life anymore, I still just couldn't stop having that nightly drink that turned into that nightly bottle.  My blood pressure was already high and was just getting higher, and I was finding that blood pressure meds were not even keeping it down enough.  I just physically felt awful most days--headaches, increased anxiety, panic attacks, heartburn, fatigue, and etc...   

                I thought about quitting again at the beginning of summer to start a new healthy lifestyle, but then I convinced myself to wait until after our family trip to Napa Valley in July, well...because it's been a lifelong dream of mine to fully experience Napa Valley.  So, once again, I put it off.  I had a great wine experience in Napa Valley, but again...felt the negative physical effects of drinking so much, so I vowed to quit when I got home from the trip.  Then news came that we would be having our annual family camping trip the first weekend in August followed by my wedding anniversary celebration dinner at a new restaurant with, of course, a great wine list.  So, I brought my box of wine up camping and it was just enough for the 3 days we were there.  Again, I felt physically ill from the mixture of drinking and the altitude....heart racing, heartburn, headaches, etc.  I told myself again, that I just need to quit drinking to feel better.  But the anniversary dinner came, and the wine was great....and a couple more weeks of drinking went by with more excuses and more of just feeling "crummy".

                Finally, on Sunday, August 23rd I just decided that would be my last day of feeling awful, and I decided I wasn't going to drink anymore.  I finished the bottle of wine I had left in the house, and probably the beer too...I don't recall.  It didn't even sound good anymore.  I just simply got tired of feeling so terrible, and this was going to be the best thing for me!  The next day...I felt great!  And Tuesday, I felt fairly good too, but started to feel a bit of anxiety return in the evening.  Wednesday was another good day, but again, evening anxiety returned and I was physically struggling.   I didn't want a drink at all.  It sounded awful, in fact, but I just felt so "not okay inside".  When I tried to sleep that night, (which usually is a very quick, hit the pillow and I'm out kind of thing) I found myself struggling to rest my mind and my body started feeling really weird.  I was dizzy.  I felt shaky.  I felt overheated but yet had goose bumps all over at the same time.  I felt as if my legs were shaking internally underneath my skin.  I felt as if I might be dying.  I was terrified.  I sat up and told my husband that I just wasn't feeling okay.   I didn't want to believe my own fears that I was dying, so I just convinced myself I was having a panic attack, took a valium, and my husband rubbed my head, neck, and back for a long time, and eventually I was calm enough to fall asleep.  The next morning was more anxiety, high blood pressure, and feeling "not okay".  Wasn't I supposed to be feeling GOOD?  I quit drinking, after all.  I should be feeling GOOD!  I started researching causes for all of my symptoms, and BOOM!  It hit me like a wrecking ball....I was having ALCOHOL WITHDRAWALS!  You're kidding, right???  Alcohol withdrawals???  Me???  Shit!  I couldn't believe that I had allowed myself to get to this point where quitting a bad habit would actually cause my body to rebel and scream out in agony at the void of that bad stuff I had been feeding it for so long. 

                I began reading how serious this could be and how long it might last.  I was determined to just push through these awful symptoms for just a few more days, and I'd be just fine.  I had just a couple more Valium pills left from my February car accident and I rationed them taking only in half pill increments over the next few days while I fought through the ugly rebellion.  By Sunday, I finally felt a bit better and was relieved that it was over, only to have it return again that night with a vengeance.  After all...my body was used to having that nightly "fix".  Monday came again with another day of struggle.  How long was this going to last?  Or was something else wrong?  My chest was tightening, and the dizziness and anxiety were consuming me.  I had to see a doctor.  This gave me even more anxiety.  What if I'm actually having a heart attack?  My head was spinning.  Picturing myself telling the doctor about my alcohol problem brought tears to my eyes.  I was now THAT person, but I still HAD to go.  I had to know what was wrong. 

                I signed in at the front desk at the after-hours walk in clinic.  The lady asked me what I was there for, and I told her I quit drinking and was having bad panic attacks.  She said that wasn't something they would see me for unless I made an appointment (because it wasn't considered a severe enough problem), and appointments were already being scheduled weeks out.  I told her I had tightening in my chest and was concerned about my heart...which was true, but also the magic words I knew would be necessary for them to allow me to be seen that night.  I had to wait for 90 minutes with increasing anxiety, chest tightening, and chills.  Was I going to die sitting here waiting?  Was I having a heart attack?

                I finally got called back to a room and was seen by the Physician's Assistant on duty.  She checked me over and agreed that my symptoms were all related to alcohol withdrawal.  I cried while explaining my past alcohol usage to her.  I was filled with shame and embarrassment .  She told me how the brain gets used to having that alcohol and how my brain is now really upset with me for taking that away.  I had disrupted my brain's neurotransmitters with alcohol, and now again by taking it away.  She was glad I came in, as withdrawal symptoms can be really serious.  She gave me some medications that will help me through the withdrawal period and help to manage my anxiety.  Xanax for immediate relief, and Buspar  for longer term relief.  Apparently it can take up to 6 months for the brain to return to a normal state after one stops drinking.  It's pretty scary to realize how badly you can ruin your own body with bad choices.

                Anyway, I'm now 30 days sober, and still experiencing some not so good effects most likely caused at least partially by my drinking (gastric ulcer).  I have no problem being around people who drink, or going to events that have alcohol (so please don't exclude me).  I do notice that my sense of smell of alcoholic drinks is much more heightened now, but I still have zero desire to even take a sip.   It just doesn't even sound good.  This will probably be the only post I make about my decision to quit drinking.  I won't become one to continually announce my days, months, years or whatever it is of sobriety.  I think that's important and really wonderful for those who do track and celebrate that accomplishment.  I just don't really feel that is a need for me in my situation.  I just really felt that I needed to make this one blog post about it to bring awareness to the reality of excessive drinking, how easily it can get out of control, and how difficult but necessary it is to get back to a healthy state of being.  I hope, if anything, I have urged each person who read this to take a close look at their own bad habits, and make a step towards kicking those things to the curb as soon as you are able to.  And, please...proactively involve your  healthcare provider with your decisions to make healthy lifestyle changes as to avoid some of the ugly things I had to go through before engaging assistance. 

PS:   I'm proud to announce that my blood work came back yesterday with only a slightly elevated bilirubin count, but was significantly lower than my elevated bilirubin count from a year ago, so my liver is getting happy again.  :)

Be well!