Meet my Sensitivity

     As some of my friends, family, and social media "friends/followers" have seen, yesterday I once again let the world "get to me",  hurt me, and anger me.  If you haven't already noticed, I have been identified as a truly "highly sensitive person".   This means that I am more sensitive than most  to lighting, certain sounds, smells, colors, crowds, feelings, tastes, tiny little details, surroundings, experiences, and more.  I also am someone who gets easily affected by others' moods, struggles, triumphs, and the like.

      I also notice subtleties around me easily such as a lone tree in a field, a unique flower or plant in the outdoors, an uncommonly shaped or colored rock, a particular cloud, a slightly different mushroom, a beautifully plated meal, an enchanting tune, a spark of happiness,  an awkward smile, a dissatisfied look, a deceitful glance, etc. I think you get the idea.  And I'm certainly not saying that I'm unique here because I notice these things. I'm sure many of us do.  What I'm trying to convey is that I not only notice these things, but I FEEL them all very deeply.  They move me in ways that many that are not like me don't and won't ever understand.  For example, when I see a llama or an alpaca in a field....it's not just a cute (or as some think, ugly) llama or an alpaca in a field...it is PURE JOY in my heart.  I actually feel ELATION at seeing that beautiful animal with the silly face.  It fills my entire being with great warmth and bright energy.   When I see that wild sunflower on the side of the road growing wild and unruly, I don't just see it--I feel bright love and happiness from its ability to be a beauty producing "weed" of sorts that was somehow able to overcome its harsh environment.

     All of that being said, the other side of that coin is that I also deeply feel life's pain, sadness, and anger to a heightened degree.  I take things much more personally than I should.  I own my feelings as well as other people's feelings.  I absorb them.  I love intensely.    When I say I will pray for you or your loved ones, I stop what I'm doing,  I pray, and then I worry.   When I pray to God, I truly FEEL God listening to me.  I feel important to Him and worthy enough for Him to listen to what is on my heart.  And, when someone tells me or the world that my belief in God is silly, absurd, stupid, ridiculous, or something similar, I get VERY hurt.  I have never told a non-believer or a believer in another form of religion or spirituality that they are wrong, silly, stupid, or anything even close to that.  I believe that we all have our faith, belief, spirituality basis from our own experiences, teachings, and our own life and  inner spirit.  I have zero desire to ever hurt anyone by telling them that their belief is somehow stupid or wrong, and I hurt deeply when others don't practice this common courtesy as well. 

     I also consider myself to be very conscientious and observant.  I notice when something isn't right with someone.  I don't always know the right thing to do to help others, but I notice, and I try everything in my sphere of knowledge to try to make that other person feel more comfort, and look for solutions that may help them.  I admit that many times I don't know or possess the right words or solutions (and often mistakenly think I do), but my heart becomes fully engaged in helping to find comfort for the other person's struggles.  I'll admit that my motives have been questioned many times for doing this, and I have let that deeply hurt me as well, as my only motive was to be helpful and caring.  I have no desire to gain anything from my assistance other than the satisfaction of knowing that I was able to be there for them in their time of need and to be joyful with them when they are able to overcome their obstacles.  I reach out when I sense that someone is hurting or in need while others have told me I should just leave them be to solve their issue on their own.  I invest my time, my energy, my talents, my ability to listen into other people's worlds because I truly care about them and the outcome of their struggles.  I'm not "looking for drama" as some would accuse.  I detest needless drama and those who create it.  I'm a problem solver, a fixer, a helper, and an empath.   I take it personally when others refuse my help, push me away, or accuse me of having ulterior motives.  My intentions are pure.  I just want to help.

     Conversely, I'm not always engaged in the role of the "helper".  Sometimes, I need help too.  I hate feeling needy, and I really don't like to admit when I'm weak or hurt or angry, so when I do, I am ever so grateful to those that will truly listen, care, and offer empathy or solutions to me in my time of need.  I hurt and anger easily when I trust people with my heartfelt feelings, and that trust is betrayed.  I see the glances thrown around in my presence telling me the story that my feelings I just shared are somehow "not valid", and it deflates my spirit.  I hear the gossip come back to me from others that my confidence was breached, or that my life choices are now the subject of conversation and criticism outside of my presence.  I hear the fat shaming and rude remarks about my weight, and how I should just put the damned French fry down.  I hear the "over-talking" while I'm sharing my issues, telling me that my words were not heard or were not nearly as important as yours.  I hear the "But, what about me" immediately after I shared my inner most thoughts, feelings, and needs with you, and realize that once again...I have no voice and no right to my damned overly-sensitive feelings in your eyes.     

     At the urging of someone very close to me who is clearly unhappy with this part of me, I sought answers and solutions from my counselor to help me find better balance with this behavior or trait that I possess.  I'm currently in the beginning stages of learning first about the "why" I am the way I am. (Very eye-opening, so far!)  Later will come the analysis and work of determining what parts of my interactions I am needing to and able to modify in order to bring my overwhelming  sensitivity into a healthier balance. 

     So, for now, I'm just simply revealing my Who, What, When, Why, Where, and How of my journey to those who are interested.  And, to those who aren't interested...for now, please just don't tell me, because my feelings will likely get hurt.  ;)